Welcome to April 2020
Congratulations and welcome to the first third of the second quarter of 2020. We have made it this far considering everything that the year has thrown at us. For me, this week has been particularly difficult. I have had some very long hours, missed lunch breaks and on occasion dinner altogether, struggled with a significant amount of disappointment and work pressure whilst also trying to maintain a front that “life goes on” and “it is what it is”. Have no illusions, I respect the illness that is currently taking up every bit of airtime on the news, without let up. However, I continue to question the mathematics and the action taken to date, the economic impact that it will have whilst also appreciating a healthy regard for life.
This week I am glad to see the end of. Sadly, of the 4.5 weeks annual leave that we booked 14 months ago, we have taken only 2 days. Those 2 days have been a very quiet time, much less exciting that the long-haul flight we booked in June 2019. Instead, we fill our glass for the long trek between the courtyard, the lounge, the balcony and the kitchen. I deliberately decide against watching a webinar on working from home as I desperately need this much anticipated and shortened downtime.
I work in a field where there is little happiness, little sunshine and much animosity. Sometimes it rubs off and that is when the re-set it absolutely vital. I have known for the last 14 months that this last 2 to 4 weeks would be challenging but I had absolutely no idea how much. My exterior person has not matched the interior person, who has been on the verge of tears much too often, has lacked patience and tolerance, has had questionable confidence, whilst still endeavouring to keep up a devil may care attitude of “oh well, there’s always next year”.
Airline food is the best food in the world – it means you are going somewhere – and I will appreciate it far more than before when I can finally step on a plane to travel beyond the borders of our beautiful country. Instead, we do our bit to support the local Indian restaurant, drink Italian wine, wear clothes purchased in Japan from Mexico and drink a beer that will not stop production as it is not an essential service. We partake of an Aperol Spritz while journeying away through the written word of fiction and non-fiction writings, watching a movie or two. I refuse to do anything chore related, other than prepare food and beverages because you must sustain yourself, because this is supposed to be downtime.
It is easy to slump and sink, to not do things. I find it curious how we now have such conflict in reporting. I find it strange that there are perspex screens up to protect checkout operators (and these guys and gals are also front-line workers) whilst still handling the groceries as they scan them. I appreciate the apparent need for hand sanitiser and the ever-present need of washing hands but I question these steps when I am handed the receipt for my purchase and our hands are within 15cm of each other. If this germ is airborne, the lazy germs will be stopped by the screen but the adventurous ones won’t. Do these measures really protect or is it more about the psychological benefit for the staff at such establishments (and their mental health has no doubt been affected)?
I go to a food market. After being drilled at various shops not to use cash, there is a requirement for cash which I have been used to carrying but have stopped because people look at you funny when you offer to pay in cash – again, for no apparently supported reason. There is so much conflict in the information that is available. There seems such a reaction for what is a form of flu, this year’s flu strain. Let me say again, I appreciate the physical impact this flu has on people, I get it. I just don’t understand the measures being taken for the mathematics.
What I do delight in, at this time, are the number of well behaved and happy dogs that are at the food market with their parents. They are simply beautiful and bring a much-needed smile to my face in this time of uncertainty and distrust, of personal attack and keyboard warriors. I struggle on many levels to come to terms with humans normally but right now I just don’t want to understand people. Yes, we are all in this together because we are all affected by the measures being taken. However, that should not stop my ability to think, to ask questions but it does limit with whom I will have discussions because I do not have the energy for a clash or fight about opinions and evidence. I am tired. I am tired of human behaviour, of intolerance, of the lack of consistent information, of being part of a minority in this country who pays tax, of not seeming to receive any of the stimulus which I work so hard to contribute to, of attempting to provide a smile for others.
I am not an extrovert, but I am also not an introvert. I am comfortable in my own company and I think that the current climate has reminded me of this. I do not look forward to the social isolation involved in working from home. I appreciate, but cannot understand, why this arrangement is to occur. I will make a point of purchasing a coffee from a local small business to continue to try and help them, whilst I am allowed to leave my front door from time to time. I will continue to be aware of social distancing rules and the impositions that we currently live with. I will respect, but not necessarily like, those things. My emotions continue to sit close to the surface – 3 days downtime has not made a massive inroad into that but it has gone a little way. I continue to work hard and be aware of how I speak and how I come across. I am, however, very human and very flawed. I say this not as an excuse but as a reality.
Let me be clear, for anyone who is in any doubt: I get that the flu is nasty for some and not others, that we can carry without experiencing. However, that does not stop my curiosity as to how we get to the situation we are now in and the economics of it. So, I think I shall continue to write quiet jottings, to express thoughts carefully and considered but not stop questioning. I think it unfair that all of my outlet and mental health management tools (other than sewing and reading) have been removed from me, other than to go walking the streets (but it is okay to go in a pair because I am a woman). I think I shall stop watching any news as there is nothing covered but Covid-19 and I know that there are other things happening in the world – the wars have not stopped. I think I shall take the time I need to recover my equilibrium as best I can and to continue to do a job that deals in the worst of people’s emotions. I think I will continue to try to do my bit to help small business stay afloat. I think, while I remain allowed to, I will continue to go to a food market to purchase produce. I think I shall continue to consider where our re-scheduled leave shall take us to. I think I shall continue to post cute photos and try to bring smiles to people’s faces. Some days my goal is to simply cause a smile, others to cause a thought. Today, I don’t know what my objective is so I think I shall go and continue to lose myself in the world of fiction and non-fiction for a little longer. Be kind, share a smile.
